That's not my neck!

The short story of My Grandmother's Neck + Me

Pretend this is my Grandmother

One of the gifts I got for my 50th Birthday was my Grandmother’s Neck. It arrived out of the blue overnight when I was sleeping. I first noticed it as I brushed my teeth one morning. “What in the world?” I questioned. “That’s not my neck!” Lo and behold my Grandmother’s Neck had decided to take up residency on my body.

My Grandmother’s Neck liked to do this trick where she’d show up in pictures. “Surprise! I’m here!” she’d proclaim. Sometimes looking baggy and saggy. Other times looking like she’d had a tracheotomy. Once in awhile she’d be extra nice and behave the way a normal neck should.

My former neck was nowhere to be found. She’d packed up and left without so much as a goodbye. To be honest, I wasn’t that great of a host to her. I mostly ignored her for 49 years. Putting moisturizer on her only with the leftovers from my face. I thought about her about .0000001% of the time. Usually when I was putting a necklace on her. I took her for granted.

Now all of the sudden my Grandmother’s Neck is in my thoughts each day. She’s a bit of an attention whore. I wonder:

How much worse will she get?

Are neck exercises a thing?

Is there a certain way I can hold my head high to make her look better?

Does my Grandmother’s Neck have a good angle for pictures?

I shouldn’t have been too surprised since my Grandmother’s Hands had shown up a few years earlier. They arrived much in the same way. I woke up one day and there they were. “Gigi, what’s that?!” my granddaughter inquired, pointing to my Grandmother’s Hands which now resided at the ends of my arms. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that one day they’d be hers.

I wasn’t expecting my Grandmother’s Neck to arrive at 50. I thought I had a cool 10 years before we’d meet.

I wonder what body part would be swapped next?

Looking at Other People’s Necks (OPN Watching) is my new favorite hobby. I’m amazed at the variety. Some younger than me, have worse looking necks. Others who are much older, have better looking necks. What. is. their. secret?

I see my former neck in pictures. Just doing her thing. Looking like a Perfect 10 in every shot. I didn’t know the good thing we had.

In the meantime, my Grandmother’s Neck has settled in. It appears she’s here to stay. We are adjusting to one another. So far, we are pretty good roommates. We can share turtlenecks and scarves. Now I know why Diane Keaton rocked that Coastal Grandma look.

We are going to be okay, my Grandmother’s Neck and me. I just hope her other body parts take their time arriving. I’m in no hurry to meet them.

“Like sands through the hourglass…” a nod to my actual Grandmother & her favorite daytime “story.”

Xo,

Kathi, age 56

PS. This is all in good fun. In all truthfulness I’m loving every age. Even those that come with my Grandmother’s Neck. ;)

P.S.S. I wrote this during

Summer Brennan

‘s Essay Camp. Thx Summer. :)